Part 1: Why am I leaving LA? I have such a glamorous life of #palmtrees
! Well, the #smokeandmirrors
strike again. #LA
has served a beautiful purpose for me (this tour) to mourn the death of my marriage. And for that I am forever #grateful
. I have had so much success here from the music business working with artists as big as #Matchbox20
(Resume drop) to winning awards writing. I've also fallen flat on my face more times than I can count. Each #screenplay
hurting more than the last. I've seen people get on the spot deals here because of who their in-laws were. That's #showbiz
. But let's talk #selfworth
I heard the phrase "never alone but always lonely" spoken about LA (or maybe it was about #NYC
) and it resounded. Both cities are tough when everyone is fueling a goal and that goal turns into an #agenda
. And that agenda then means if you can't make them bigger, you're not worth it.
When I first got here, I looked for a #bottleservice
job because that was my supplement in NYC. I was told, all they look at is how many #instagramfollowers
you have. I thought for sure that was false. I told someone back in NY and their words: "that makes me want to vomit." But it was true. Not just about bars but about a lot. Little by little this notion began to wear on me. A metric you can actually buy. I found myself having regret for having so many IG accounts through the years. Imagine how many followers I could have? Wait what? What am I f'in crazy? Who cares! This doesn't measure success, it's just ego.
But over time, the #validation
bug eats your soul. I'm not enough. I must be ugly. People hate me. For a #writer
who gets rejected on the daily this was just another vehicle of misery. And women, we can be #masochists
. Then last year I remembered how I got here: a sickness that had me bleeding on the floor of a hospital for months on end, ICU, failing organs and then one day #fighting
for my life and then leaving it all behind. Getting in my car, a panic attack a minute, and driving #crosscountry
anyway. Leaving the love of my life. Sitting through #Alananon
. How am I going to let #socialmedia
diminish my worth?