My day started off well, been in a great mood until late afternoon/early evening.
Way too many emotions going on and I stupidly tried to keep it all inside and not say anything to @mr_scorch.
He knew something was up - he knew I had been and was crying.
My eyes hurt from crying, as does my head.
I felt ugly, an embarrassment to be seen with, like I only annoy people and I felt disgusting in every possible way. There were thoughts that I felt but I can't even share them as it will do some damage and cause major offence to a few people 🙄.
I'm not 'allowed' to feel a certain way or say what I really think about particular events because it gets twisted and I'm made to be the bad person (This isn't about Che, just to be clear!).
It's hard to explain what I mentally go through when I get like this, but I'll do my best to try. My heart just hurts, like I'm never good enough, like a piece of me just dies over and over again. When I don't talk about how I feel straight away, the negative thoughts continue and get worse. When I cry, I swear I can physically feel my heart breaking and bits of my soul slowing dying away. The mental pain I feel is unreal, it's so overwhelming. It's like when you're driving really fast with the windows down, you suddenly can't catch your breath and you have a moment of panic. Then you feel relief, you can finally breathe and the panic has gone - you're fine! Now imagine that without the relief, mixed with feelings of grief and heartache. The moments of not catching your breath is continuous. You can feel your heart beating so fast, you feel like you're going to collapse in a broken heap any minute now.
I hate that no one bothers to check in on me, despite knowing what I go through, mentally, on an almost daily basis! I'm aware I'll get judged for my next sentence, but I said to Che something similar to 'They would soon enough care and notice if I was dead!' It's true because except for Che, where were those who said they would be there for me but wasn't? Where were the 'Are you ok?' Messages? What you see on the outside is sometimes very different to what's going on in the inside. A quick 'Are you ok?' Message, really could save a life.