someday they'll wedge
in my arteries.
i'll turn into a broken car.
i'll sneak onto
closed to construction
and on the roadside
at heavy dusk
I'll watch fire spewing
from the smoke
stacks in the industrial
district and I'm the fire
and I'm the smoke
and I'm trapped inside
it's dark out.
This quote is exactly what I did today. I was able to make it through the day with only the slightest bit of self hate occurring. How? I completely distracted myself almost every second of the today. Im still on a concert high and I’ve been overwhelmed with emotions all day. Mostly gratefulness and I think...joy. I honestly can’t remember a time if ever that I’ve felt like this. I don’t want this feeling to ever leave; its so comforting when I’ve been in such a deep pit of a depressive episode. So, back to what I did today...I listened to @iconforhire
‘s music while reading @arielforhire
‘s book (I did both things at once because I have such a difficulty concentrating on one thing that I need to use multiple senses at a time in order to get things done). I don’t know how to put what I’ve read into words. I’m half way through the book and it just feels life changing. It contains Ariel’s story of how she overcame self-hate and learned self-love. It might sound like any other self love book, but I swear it’s not. I haven’t been able to put the book down all day. I’m just so inspired by the words. You can tell Ariel poured her soul into writing this piece of art. It makes me feel more connected with their music, Ariel, and myself. Its also given me a new motivation to stop self harming! It’s been the best distraction I could ask for. It gave me another day to forget my problems and sustained my joy from the concert yesterday. If you have the money, I can’t recommend enough that you buy her book. At least give their music a listen. It’s very powerful. -
#depression #depressed #anxiety #anxious #panicattacks #anxietyattacks #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillness #selflove #mentalhealthrecovery #mentalhealth #livingwithmentalillness #selfharmrecovery #depressionrecovery #anxietyrecovery #recovery #recoveryishard #ptsd #dissociation #cptsd #posttraumaticstressdisorder #endthestigma
I can never remember what you're supposed to write on these things. All I know is that I'm tired and this is my third social media post. My anxiety is shot to pieces and I probably should have done this when I had it together more. But hey, that's not how brains always work. Check out my new blog, Explaining Anxiety: 'I Just Don't Get It'. Link in bio, we'll almost #anxiety #dissociation #dissociationdisorder #depression #anxietyexplained
This is a stanza from a longer poem I wrote while contemplating boundaries, dreams of the future, and the ideas and beliefs of others. It takes skill to know how to deal with difficult people, how to deal with the pain of having dreams that aren't immediately attainable (or may be impossible), and how to not get overtaken by the ideas other people have of yourself and life in general. I think the answer is to leave space in yourself for those things that feel right to you. The people who treat you with respect and kindness, the dreams that make you feel alive, and the acceptance of the ideas and beliefs of others that may not resonate with you but that don't cause harm. Everything else you can protect yourself from. This is something that I'm still learning to enact in my life. Growing up in an environment where you don't fully realise that you're being abused, because the abuse is part of your 'normal' day to day life of being a child, makes it very difficult to deal with many people as an adult. It makes it hard to function on a basic level and to advocate for yourself when faced with difficult people. It shatters illusions of what normal kind behaviour actually is instead of the abusive behaviour you put up with for years. I'm learning to not tolerate abusive behaviour from anyone and I'm proud of the efforts I'm making. In time I hope I can reconstruct my confidence and feel able to manage people better, to feel strong around people, to have faith in my power again.
#poem #poetry #poemsofig #poemsofinstagram #poetryofinstagram #poetryofig #poet #instapoet #instapoetry #poetrycommunity #writer #writersofinstagram #creativewriting #writersofig #writingcommunity #ptsd #cptsd #mentalillness #mentalhealth #anxiety #panicdisorder #dissociation #boundaries #recovery #healing #abuse #trauma
Last year around autumn my dissociative symptoms got more and more intense. I wrote down how I felt right after I got out of the deepest dissociation I felt for around ten years. I felt like especially my legs were not a part of me anymore. It does feel creepy, but in the end dissociation is a way for the brain to protect you from extreme stress. I learned to welcome it and accept the feeling, to be able to let it go 🗝 Take your time ⏳
Text written out in the comments 👇
Ich habe heute schon viel gemacht obwohl es nicht spät ist. Ganz früh schon war ich unterwegs um mich mit Freundinnen und meinen Schwestern zu treffen und ein Cube escape room zu spielen.
Es hat viel spass gemacht, aber ich konnte nicht verhindern, dass es mich tierisch anstrengt mich in der kleinen Gruppe von bekannten zu bewegen. Und obwohl meine beste Freundin dort war, habe ich mich abwesend und spaced our gefühlt.
Und es nervt mich. Es nervt mich, wenn andere merken, dass es mir nicht gut gehts. Es nervt mich, dass ich Spaß versäume, den ich haben könnte, wenn das mit leichter fiele.
Auf jeden Fall werde ich mich heute bemühen mich auszuruhen und erholen. Ich mache ein bisschen Sport und Yoga, skille viel und koche heute Abend. Wie sieht es bei euch aus?
Hoffentlich klaren die Wolken noch ein bisschen auf und helfen bei der Stimmung indem sie die Sonne durchlassen. ☀️☁️ Das ist übrigens eine kleine Zeichnung von mir. Ausnahmsweise finde ich sie gelungen :) #recovery #recoveryaccount #recoverywins #recoveryishard #depression #recoveryfromdepression #recoverywins #recoveryisworthitall #recoverydiary #depressiondiary #Dissoziation #dissociation #derealisierung #derealisation
Sometimes I wake up from a long spurt of dissociation and wonder if I left any scars.
Hope I didn’t light any bridges to be burnt later.
I breathe in fresh air and remember that if I did die I couldn’t do this anymore.
I do not want to be dead.
Don’t want to be made of ash or rotting flesh.
I want to scream, out loud.
I want to run, really far, really fast. Remind these lungs why we need to quit smoking.
I want to drive down the parkway with the birds chirping and the windows rolled down.
Bipolar disorder is really good at making your favorite things seem far away at times.
It feels like drowning even though you have become a skilled swimmer.
It might be easier to give up.
But the insistent voice of hope in my head keeps me here even on days when I can’t decide if I’m worth saving or not.
My fiancé gives me hope. Holds me when I cry, sits next to me and holds my hand when my mind is years away, trapped in the past, watching over and over again the times I was molested.
My fiancé reminds me of my worth, every single day. Doesn’t let me go to sleep without a laugh or a smile.
And I do the same for him.
We are an endless cycle of breaking and coming out stronger on the other side.
#poetry #poet #write #writer #writing #biltmore #biltmorehouse #oldfashioned #dress #mentalillness #spilledink #bymepoetry #ptsd #bipolar #dissociation #disorders #mind #health #love #loss #pain #life #art
I wake up in the mornings sinking halfway to the bottom.
There's a loud distorted screaming in my soul.
Everything is dark and empty,
and I don't know how to fix it.
So I curl up in a ball,
and cry in the comfort of my home .
I don't know why I feel like shit.
I say I'm fine, but I'm not fine.
I'm dying inside.
And all I see are demons.
I try to hide all my deepest feelings.
I think there's something wrong with me, 'cause all I see is death.
Every time I go outside I look like I've been doing meth.
And I sleep for nineteen hours on a Thursday afternoon.
And every now and then I cough up blood, and I don't know what to do.
I’m dying inside.
#pinkguy #filthyfrank #pinkseason #joji #help #darksoul #solitarythoughts #depression #dissociation #nooneunderstands
omg, I just remembered when my dissociated male alter ego auditioned for the Illuminati doing breakdancing for a gig on a soda ad to brainwash kids...lol, fun times.
#illuminati #dissociation #brainwashing