I don’t share a photo of myself crying because I want sympathy or people to feel sorry for me. I share it because mental illness is a part of my reality and the reality of so many others. Some explain their down times when reflecting as “it’s been a bad year/week/month/day”
But with my BPD I cut it down to much shorter time periods because my emotional state can shift so quickly, for instance this picture was taken after an incident of overwhelming rage that lasted around an hour, there was no trigger, I tried so hard to control it(and failed) and it left me emotionally drained and genuinely exhausted with barely enough energy to cry let alone take a picture, but I did. I did it in the hope that it might help someone else who has mental illness or at least bring awareness to the issue. Mental illness is not something that someone chooses. It is all consuming and I’d not wish it on even the worst of people. Mental Illness is not laziness or an excuse for poor behaviour. Show some love, time and patience to those that are struggling in your life. Remember that we aren’t all built the same. Remember that we aren’t all completely in control of our actions or reactions. Remember that for some of us being consistent is exhausting. If you got this far then thank you for reading 🖤
#transition #genderdysphoria #mentalillness #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdproblems #bpdawareness #mentalillnessawareness #transgender #lgbtq #lgbti #transgenderwoman #raw #honest #selflovejourney #sharingitmakesitreal #thisismyjourney #selflove #thegoodwiththebad #darktimes
call me crazy but I feel like I need to make peace with my diagnosis of BPD and have requested my therapists notes, from treatment where the diagnosis was given to me, and my outpatient therapist at the time after discharged bc she didn’t agree with the diagnosis. I need to understand what exactly the treatment team saw and led them to BPD. I need to compare their notes. I need to understand. I don’t often talk about it but it bothers me, because I know why I’m depressed, anxious, and why I have an eating disorder. But I don’t understand borderline personality disorder at all, other than me being impulsive I feel like that’s not enough for a fully diagnosis, but I could be wrong. I don’t know. I asked Katie once and she read me the definition from the current version of the DSM and asked if I could relate, and I did but I didn’t. It’s hard, and even harder bc I know the stigma behind patients with BPD and how therapists do not like working with them. I was once called “borderliney” and it fucking sucked. I don’t even know what that means but that’s my point!!! I’m confused, I don’t know how to treat it or if it’s happening? If it happens? My family knows and they think it’s a medical term for bipolar. Which is totally not. My own doctor doesn’t even know what it really means, I tried talking to her about it and she looked at me as if I had 6 heads. I need to move on, that’s all I want. If I truly have it, great, I will deal with it. But if I don’t? Then I want to know. This curiosity came out of nowhere and it’s killing meeeee ••• has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? #mentalhealth #treatment #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #edwarrior #warrior #ed #diagnosis #bpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonality #misdiagnosed
I wish I could express this emptiness I feel inside me at times. I’m at a low. This happens. I just try and ride out the wave. But the things I’m hurting about this time... I just don’t know how to handle or deal with. I wonder how can something so wonderful for someone else, can make me so sad because I know I’ll never have it. I can’t be happy for someone else when my own heart is breaking. I want to because when you love someone you want the best for them. But it’s just too much right now. I think I need a break from the Internet. It can be a blessing and a curse to be so involved in everyone’s live with the touch of a button sometimes.
I WISH EVERYONE WHO KNEW ME COULD HEAR THIS.
WHO THE HECK AM I? __________________________________
I marvel at this picture. Yes, I’m making a goofy face. Yes, there is sunscreen in my eyebrows. Yes, there is something in my teeth. Yes, there are some blemishes on my chin. Yes, I AM HAPPY.
At the beginning of 2018 I didn’t think I was going to make it. When I say this I mean that the thoughts of ending my life were so severe that I took action twice. Landing me unconscious in the hospital almost successful… twice, all in less than a month. My days were not filled with eating food that could have gotten stuck in my teeth. I was never given reason to put on sunscreen because I was never outside long enough to need it. And any pimples on my face would be covered with mounds of makeup.
I was sick. Screwed up by consuming thoughts of self doubt, inadequacy, and emptiness. I was surrounded by toxicity in my relationships & environment that I masked with self mutilation, on multiple fronts. My eating disorder had completely consumed me & weakness had taken over my body & spirit. Self harm felt like justified punishment for simply existing. I was so trapped, so hopeless.
Believe me? Sometimes I even don’t. I humbly reminisce on those times, not to dwell on the destruction that I allowed to exist inside of me for so long, but to remind myself that on the days that I was convinced the only way out was ending my life, were days that the universe had me hold on a little longer for future smiles.
Thank you to those of you tuned in to see my transformation & story. I smile. I eat. I don’t wear makeup hardly ever. I am vegan. I have minimized my life. I have taken leaps for what sets my soul on fire. I play in the outdoors. I am present in living the rest of my days to my utmost potential.
I am here to connect with YOU! I daydream about a community of survivors who can come to a safe space and speak about their triumphs & tragedies. Bringing whatever they want to the table. You are worthy of happiness. You are capable to your deepest desires. You are worthy of LIFE. ❤️ you all, Mady
Anyone else obsessed with smoothie bowls?
I feel so ignored by someone I care a lot about. It hurts to know that they are always so unavailable. When you promise to someone with bpd that you will always be here for them you need to at least try to be there when they are in pain , feeling all alone and abandoned. This loneliness is killing me. Those intense feelings can cause deep pain, especially when it’s late at night and nobody replies your texts . If you have a friend with bpd , check on them , ask them how are they. Show that you care . This could mean a lot for them.
A letter to my younger self.
I’m sorry you’ve reached this point and you see no future here in this world. The darkness has overwhelmed you. I wish you could have seen that the hardest fight you will ever face will lead you to the most beautiful kind hearted people in the world. Your friends and family who were always there all along, but also those you met on the way. You will have people fight for your life when you no longer want to, and that humanity is something which you will treasure forever while turning it to a passion for helping people. I hope you come to realise one day that although you may always be poorly, that is not your identity, you are strong, beautiful and loveable JUST the way you are. It’s ok to admit that you aren’t ok, but it is never ok to keep that burden to yourself or let it beat you. There is beauty in being vulnerable. Your experiences will rip apart your soul but ultimately you have survived. Your family and friends are beyond proud of you, you hit rock bottom but rock bottom was how you rebuilt yourself, you will come so far, and your life will change for the better. You will again feel hopeful and real happiness. You will be loved one day and you will find the most perfect guy who loves you despite it all (@jack_cornall
) Now eat that fucking takeaway, get drunk and do what makes you happy. Do not be defined by other people’s opinions of you, you are one in a million and have survived more than some people ever will.
Lots of love
I hate what I'be done to my body. The pic on the left was taken just over ten years ago, the pic on the right is from today (yes, I still have that same bikini!). I always remember the day the pic on the left was taken, because not long after some random guy came up to me and said "I just want to tell you you are a 10" ! (And then asked for my number). I remember thinking it was pretty funny, but at the same time also being quite flattered! Back then the only noticeable scars I had were on my left wrist (Which has the bandage on it in the pic as I had recently self-harmed).
Now if I ever dare to wear a bikini in public, people don't stare because they like what they see. They stare because they are shocked or grossed out or out of pity. I wish I could go back in time ten years and not destroy my body the way I have. But I'm trying to do the next best thing, and cover up the scars with tattoos that I find beautiful.