"You gotta know, you gotta know
How you betrayed me.
And you oughta know, you oughta know
I hope you make it.
Until you grow, until you grow
Out of this hatred.
You'll never know, you'll never know
Until you change it."
I threw my phone, cried, cursed, punched the couch and finally breathed for this meal. My #eatingdisorder
wanted me to be immobilized by fatigue and avoidance. Again. Wanted me to order out and stay on the couch for 4 to 6 hours. Again. It was a cycle. Go to Dominoes, order, delete it, check fridge and cupboard, sit on couch. Repeat. I threw my phone across the room, twice. I didn't want to be idle and immobilized. I didn't want junk in my body. I cried and cursed because I was angry and ashamed choosing to eat a meal was such a struggle! Because I was legitimately hungry and didn't have a taste for anything to eat in my apartment but wanted everything outside of it! Why can't eating be normal instead of a big oreal? I didn't even completely understand what was happening ... Deep breathes. In and out. My "magick apron." Rice and vegan meat cook themselves. I've been abstinent for half a month. I'm not sure this post even makes sense. All I know is, I thank my Higher Power. That's the only way I made it. I'm going to read now. Away from the couch.
Anyone else take up an entire table when they sit down to study? Just me? I HAVE to spread out... But hey, I get stuff done! Do what works, right?